Parenting Information

How to Stop Bad Behavior Before it Starts


Coping with a child's bad behavior, perhaps more than any other aspect of parenting, can cause stress, family disfunction, and a general loss of harmony in your home.  Over time, negative behavior cycles can become ingrained in a family's way of interacting with each other
1.  Be a Benevolent Dictator
In today's times it is tempting to think of our family as a small Democracy, giving equal weight to the wants and needs of every member.  Families schedule meetings to discuss rules.  Negotiation is a skill learned even before tying shoes.  Rules apply only if children choose to obey them.  Giving children lots of choices seems to be of paramount importance.  Parents who operate these types of Democracies think that they are showing their children love and respect.  In fact, what these parents are showing their children is that they don't have the fortitude to do what is right.

This approach belies the fact that we parents usually have decades more life experience than our children, we have had more education, and we are more mature (hopefully).  In short, we should be the ones in charge.  Contrary to what children might say, they in fact, want us to be in charge.  They know better than anyone what their limitations are, and if they are given too much responsibility, it scares them.  Imagine how you would feel if you were suddenly put in charge of a small country in a foreign land.  You might feel powerful, but I dare say, you wouldn't feel secure.  It's like being the captain of a sailboat and not knowing how to sail.  Eventually you would run aground.

Research has shown that in order to raise well-adjusted kids, parents need to be authoritative.  Authoritative parents were described as people whose motto is, "I love and respect you, but since I am the parent, you have to do what I say regardless of whether you agree with me."  Taking this type of approach with your child ensures that they know they are loved, and that they will be saved from making bad choices because they have a parent looking out for them.  Setting limits for your kids makes the world more manageable for them.  They feel safer knowing what the boundaries are, and in knowing that they have your help to stay within them. 

2.  Consistency is Key
Choose a small number of rules that are absolute and stick to them!  These rules should be non-negotiable and carry with them clear and immediate consequences if they are broken.  In my family, rules about safety are set in stone.  If you ride your bike without a helmet, you lose bike privileges for a week.  No exceptions.  This way I know my child is always going to wear his helmet, and I save myself the hassle of arguing with him each day after school about whether he can ride his bike without it.

A psychologist I know stated that the surest way to have kids who misbehave is to be inconsistent.  By having limits that are fluid and that change depending on circumstances, kids spend most of their time with you testing those limits. They know that sooner or later, they'll wear you out, and they'll get what they want.  So, if you want to be worn out day after day, then the secret is to be wishy-washy about rules.  If you don't want to battle day after day with your kids, then set good rules and stick to them!

3.  Know Your Child
Every child has a unique style which includes their own set of triggers for bad behavior.  For my son, transitions always cause him to become unglued.  A temper tantrum always ensued at the end of play dates, the beginning of a school day, or the call to the dinner table.  So, I learned early on that to avoid that type of misbehavior, I needed to be savvy about transitions.  I give plenty of warning before a transition, and I usually sweeten the deal to make it easier.  For example, I play his favorite music in the car on the way to school so that he focuses on looking forward to his songs rather than his nerves about having to leave the house and head to class.

Your child might have similar issues with transitions, or she may act up when tired or hungry.  Your child might feel uncomfortable in crowds, be afraid of loud noises, or become easily overwhelmed in stores.  By knowing your child's triggers for bad behavior, you'll know what to avoid.  For those things you can't avoid, you'll at least be able to develop helpful strategies for coping with problems.

4.  Know Yourself
In addition to being in tune with your child's style, you need to be aware of what your particular needs are.  It will always lead to trouble if you expect lots of peace and quiet after work, but your kids need your help with homework and a ride to soccer.  If you are tense and irritable, it will most certainly translate to misbehavior in your kids.  Busy schedules rarely enable parents to have a peaceful dinner hour, but perhaps you can insist on twenty minutes to unwind in your room before you join the fray downstairs.  My mother made a rule that we couldn't ask anything of her until she had changed into her jeans.  That was our signal that she had decompressed after work and was ready to engage in the family hubbub.

5.  Pay Attention
Children often misbehave simply to get their parents' attention.  Though it confounds adults, children would rather be yelled at than be ignored.  Perhaps it is Darwinian-in the wild, to be ignored by a parent meant that you weren't safe.  Whatever its origin, this aspect of child-rearing can be especially trying.  Negative cycles can so easily begin by a child learning that acting up is the surest way to get a parent's attention.  The only way to avoid this is to lavish love and attention on your child when they are behaving well.  Enjoy their company and play games with them.  Praise them with words and gestures often.  Reward your child with special activities with you-not with toys and treats.  If you sense that your children are acting up more than they should, then that is a sign that you need to stop waiting for your children to misbehave before you give them your attention.  With all the love and attention from you that they need, there won't be many reasons to misbehave!

Katie Basson is a parent, teacher, and creator of The BITs Kit Better Behavior Kit for Kids?.  Katie teaches seminars on behavior modification techniques, and assists parents through challenging behavioral and educational issues.  She serves on the Board of Directors of the YWCA and is an educational advisor to Zoesis, Inc., a children's software company.  Katie's expert advice has been sought for articles in The Boston Globe and Parents Magazine.  Sign up for her biweekly Parenting Solutions newsletter at www.bitskit.com.


MORE RESOURCES:

ABC News

Media exposure a challenge for parenting skills
Great Dad, California - 36 minutes ago
It's possibly one of the thorniest challenges facing modern fathers looking for the best parenting advice - how to ensure your child manages to enjoy and ...
Smart Ways to Manage Kids’ TV, Music, and Web Time U.S. News & World Report
all 94 news articles


Parenting: Do Not Make Kids Your Focal Point
The Ledger, FL - 5 hours ago
If to this point, parenting has not been a relatively simple, easy-going affair, your problem is your attitude, your point of view, in which case, ...


Obama victory encourages parenting advice
Great Dad, California - 36 minutes ago
And yet he's still an excellent parent who finds time for his daughters," he told the news provider. In a speech in Chicago this past Father's Day, ...


Dr. William Sears to Talk on Child Nutrition & Parenting
Honolulu Advertiser, HI - 9 hours ago
Parents, grandparents and childcare providers are invited to attend his seminars on Monday, December 8th at 7pm or Tuesday, December 9th at 10am at the New ...


ENERGYPARENTING(R) is the Antidote to the ADHD/Ritalin Epidemic
MarketWatch - 13 hours ago
It is a new way to parent that upends existing parenting models by transforming challenging children without the need for medication. ...


The Canadian Press

Culinary bad boy Anthony Bourdain dishes on parenting and food
The Canadian Press, MIAMI BEACH - 17 hours ago
MIAMI BEACH — After spending years introducing television viewers to unusual eats from around the globe, culinary bad boy Anthony Bourdain is focused on a ...


Gay adoption ruling favors good parenting over sexual orientation
Sun-Sentinel.com, FL - Dec 2, 2008
As a parent myself, all I can do (and it is not enough) is commend Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Cindy Lederman for a fair and just ruling, which put the welfare ...
Fair ruling benefits children MiamiHerald.com
New blow to adoption ban Palm Beach Post
all 7 news articles


Examiner.com

(ie San Francisco hiking, San Francisco parenting)
Examiner.com - 19 hours ago
by Tim Wright, Houston Workforce Performance Examiner Change is not just something leaves do. Change occurs in our efforts to improve profitability, ...


The Learning Community Provides Free Parenting Resources Via ...
PR Web (press release), WA - 43 minutes ago
The Learning Community, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping parents with free parenting resources, announces the launch of its newly redesigned ...


Anderson court records detail accused killer's commitment to parenting
Anderson Independent Mail, SC - Dec 1, 2008
In 2006, family court officials ordered both parents to submit to drug tests and to comply with court-ordered behaviors, including the exposure of their ...

Parenting - Google News

Catalogue 4 Shopping UK offers thousands of low priced, top brand products in a variety of categories including fashion clothing, sportswear, DIY, electrical for home and garden. Remember it is often cheaper to shop via catalogue4shopping.co.uk than going direct, so bookmark us now (Ctrl +d) Enjoy your shopping.

Additions Direct Catalogue Home Cloggs Direct Cosmetics
Jones Bootmaker Dress For Less Figleaves JD Sports
Lands End Lingerie Confidential Littlewoods Catalogue Marks And Spencer
Mothercare Catalogue My Tights Outdoor Gear Simply Beach
Thomas Pink Top Brands Direct Marshall Ward